Let’s talk money.

We spend so much time searching for “the one” – but what exactly does that mean for our bank accounts? The truth is: the north star for any relationship is being on the same financial page. 

Two experts (pictured above) are here to weigh in: Ellie Austin-Williams is a personal finance expert and author of ‘Money Talks: A Lifestyle Guide for Financial Wellbeing”. Hayley Quinn is a dating and relationship expert with 15 years’ experience, and author of ‘The Last First Date’. 

According to research, financial compatibility is now a top three priority for those looking for a relationship. And yet once we’re in that relationship, we lack the tools to openly discuss finances with our loved ones – to the point where financial differences are now actually causing couples to stall major life goals.

So why does money seem to be the final hurdle of social taboos? And what can we actually do to get over it? Read on.

Ellie: Money is still a taboo because it’s actually something that feels very exposing, and anything that makes us feel very exposed, we feel emotional about. We attach a lot of our value to our financial circumstances. So when we talk about money openly, whether it’s with family, friends or partners, it’s opening us up for judgement. It’s a topic where a lot of people have a lot of opinions – because those beliefs are so deeply ingrained in us.

Hayley: And in the UK generally, we have a culture that’s very much built around privacy. That’s a value that’s very important to us. But it’s often a value we discover pretty late into our relationships. Finding out your money language is about learning how to relate to one another early on. And that’s exactly why Starling’s ‘Money Languages’ framework is such a saviour.

Ellie: Exactly! And you can’t really tackle any big life decisions without addressing the issue of money. In a relationship, if you really want to buy the house or have children, you’ve got to confront that discomfort around discussing money to achieve that goal. I think there’s a gender element to it, too.

Hayley: Yes, gender roles play a huge part here. In relationships, men often relate their ability to ‘provide’ very closely to their attractiveness and self worth. Incomes are getting closer – they’re not yet in parallel, but they’re getting there. So I think for men, there’s a fear of rejection or not being seen as ‘attractive’. For women, there’s a fear of stepping outside of their traditional role and again, losing attraction. Some get really far into a relationship without realising there’s a fundamental misalignment.

Ellie: I think that’s what’s crazy. We have to face up to the awkwardness and ask, “what’s the best way to have this conversation, which will invite all of us to be open, productive and collaborative?” Financial compatibility isn’t about having the exact same approach to money. It’s about being able to communicate, and having the same vision and long term outlook.

Hayley: And why don’t we know how to do that? In school, we’re taught abstract subjects like maths or economics, but not practical money management. We don’t enter adulthood with the tools to talk about money. 

Ellie: And a lot of it is about compassion. If you understand that your partner, or friend, has a different money language to you, it can open up conversations about why – and why they have different views. So often, we really believe that our view – our way of doing things – is the right way. Rather than having the humility to say, “actually, that’s just what I’ve been taught. Maybe there is another way.”

Hayley: And actually, talking about money can help with emotional intimacy – to feel that your partner deeply understands you. Instead of seeing money as something that’s off the table because it’s scary, you can achieve a sense of security that isn’t just financial, but also emotional.

Ellie: And it can keep you aligned through different stages. Earnings can fluctuate over time – and all the challenges that come with being together and having a family. You need to be equipped to navigate those changes, and the sooner you can have those conversations effectively, the better you’ll be set up for every phase to come.

The article above includes general information and should not be taken as financial advice. If you have questions about your specific circumstances, please speak to an independent financial advisor.